In the usual tradition, the networks appear to be stretching it for programming this summer, with the latest attempt being another reality show, this one focused on finding the greatest American dog. Look out, Lassie.

Reality shows are a genre that never captured my attention. If a rare moment is found to relax, it will not be to watch a group of sweaty, dirty people battle for food and water. That happens in my house every day — what's the big deal? I have reality up to my eyeballs.

So, it got me thinking. We are renovating several rooms in our house this summer and I could use a little influx of cash. They want reality? I have reality by the boatload. Based on the current television show lineup, I have a few of my own ideas; they're much more realistic, no casting necessary.

"Design on a Dime"? That's for rookies. I propose "Knee-Jerk Design," in which the homeowner, keeping up with the schedule of contractors, makes design decisions in under 60 seconds that will have to be lived with for the next 25 years. As an added challenge, she will have a 3-year-old climbing all over her. "Yes, yes, yes, that light is fine! OW! Just paint everything Navajo white! I've gotta get these kids to camp!"

No episode of "Fear Factor" can instill fear as much as my new summer series, "Fear of Renovation Factor." This is a terrifying game of removing drywall in an older house, only to scream in horror when you learn previous owners made repairs with bandages and toothpicks. The only winners in this game are the contractors, who relate the bad news with dollar signs in their eyes.

I also propose "The Amazing Race: Bathroom Sprint." This is a gripping game of family and friends racing to the remaining bathrooms not under renovation. Losers are those who don't make it there first, for obvious reasons.

"Hell's Kitchen"? Ha! Those foul-mouthed, screaming chefs won't last a minute in my show, "Can't Stand the Heat." Those high-strung culinary neophytes must make three squares a day with no water, a hot plate, and if they are feeling daring, a crock pot. No spice or food item is in one place, forcing them to dig through packed boxes to find so much as a fork. With the timer ticking down, they will cook with three children whining and crying about immanent starvation and their lame food presentation.

Which segues into another cooking reality show, "Iron Chef: Grilling Edition." These contestants must compete using the grill three times a day, making everything from pancakes to Beef Wellington using only aluminum foil, plastic utensils, and onion soup mix. The judges are a panel of three, all under the age of 12. Good luck.

"Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" Are they kidding? Just ask my former fifth-grader, who thinks I'm as dumb as a box of rocks. Let's get to what really matters: "Are You the Planet's Meanest Mother?" While I'm sure I would have excellent competition, my 11-year-old insists I'm in a class all by myself. Especially when she asks, "Where are we going on vacation this summer?" I respond, "To our new kitchen, sometime in late August." Mean, mean, mean.

With all this going on, I was thinking I'd like to try my hand at "Wife Swap," the show in which women get to try out another family's life. I'll keep this show as is, but I get to choose where I will go, and who will take care of my family and make design decisions. I'm thinking a tasteful, refined, older lady from Tuscany can take over for a while as I hold down the fort at her seaside villa and vineyard. Her grandchildren must be away at boarding school.

So there you have it. Any interested network execs should contact me, but must be prepared to supply their own food, water and electricity. They are sure to think they are on "Survivor."

Note: An unfortunate reality is the news that Town Crossings is being discontinued. I have enjoyed this opportunity to share my musings, trying to find humor in the day to day. Thanks to Sue Tabb and Ellen Mary Carr — it has been an honor to share column space with you both!

Bethany Blake writes from Boxford.