My daughter recently stopped sucking her thumb. This triumph was preceded by an ugly six-year battle filled with begging, pleading, bribing, and threatening that finally came to an abrupt and peaceful resolution when the orthodontist sat her down and said, "You need to stop sucking your thumb."
My husband and I were thrilled but flabbergasted. That's it? That's all it took? Could we have possibly done that? We sort of bypassed that tactic and went straight for the guerilla warfare, telling her that if she continued to suck her thumb, her teeth would stick out and that she could possibly go blind. (I'm kidding. We would never tell her that her teeth would stick out - what kind of parents do you take us for?)
The "I-can-break-the-habit-any-time-I-want-to" game started when she was just two-years-old. She declared that she would give up her thumb on her third birthday, and we were naive enough to believe her. We also believed her on her fourth and fifth birthdays. By her sixth, we were beginning to get a little skeptical.
Was she simply stalling? Was she buying herself some nag-free time? It was a plausible theory since her declaration to give up the habit would come months before her birthday and would mean that she could coast along, thumb in mouth, until the designated day. When the day finally came and she was asked if she'd make good on her promise, her response was always the same - a swift and definitive "maybe next year."
Ouch.
So, like the good parents you know we are, my husband and I began thinking of all the ridiculous ways we could try to make her stop. Should we put vinegar on her thumb? Take her favorite stuffed cow away? Tell her we won't send her to college? We finally designed the perfect incentive. "If you give up sucking your thumb, for six consecutive weeks, without whining or complaining, and if the planets are perfectly aligned, we'll buy you something really expensive that you don't really need and will never use!" We considered it a foolproof plan.
We never considered just asking her to stop.
Instead, we dangled some pretty pricey carrots in front of her nose. How about an American Girl doll or a new game for her Wii system? What about a shopping spree in a toy store? Would she consider a new bike...or a trip to the Hawaiian Islands? Our desperation made our suggestions increasingly absurd. It was only a thumb after all.
But asking seemed out of the question. What kid does something just because you ask them to? What kid complies because a request is timely and logical and simply the sensible thing to do? This certainly would be no child of ours. But alas, how wrong we were!
The truth is she would have kicked the habit for a box of Nerds.
It was an expensive lesson for us. We're out a hundred bucks and there's a guitar amplifier in the back of my car that is two sizes bigger than our daughter. (Note: There are no guitar players in our family). And it's all because we decided to raise the bar to an unnecessary level. She could have stopped without our foolish payola. She would have done it for a $2 box of candy. And she told me so.
We are now the proud owners of a "real" microphone — like Myley Cyrus uses — and a foolish amp that only works some of the time. But hey, who needs a new doll when you can get rock star treatment, be the hit of the neighborhood, and annoy your parents by singing "Sweet Escape" at the top of your lungs...amplified?
I am sharing this in an attempt to spare you the misery of this parenting misstep. As well-intentioned as our plan was, it was way off base. Do not go overboard when you want to recognize your child for attaining a simple goal. Remember this basic rule:
Just ask for what you want. And keep in mind that a box of Nerds can go a long way.
Sue Tabb writes from her home in Newburyport.
