My husband and I are the meanest parents on the planet.
Just ask my 8-year-old, who is the only third-grader in her school who doesn't own an iPod. Or ask my 10-year-old, who is the only fourth-grader who has yet to win permission to get her ears pierced. She is, by her account, the only child in history to be so maliciously stripped of what is certainly her Constitutional right. Forget freedom of speech; freedom to get your ears pierced when everyone else is doing it is the reason people choose to live in this great country, isn't it?
My husband is actually more adamant about the piercing issue than I am. I believe it is his futile attempt to keep what little control he has left since he is convinced that a simple ear piercing will lead to belly button rings, ankle tattoos and murder convictions.
However, my oldest daughter has managed the near impossible; she has negotiated, bartered and sold her soul to move the magical ear-piercing age from 12 to 11. This is not an easy feat with my husband, who has walked away from car deals over a difference of about 27 cents. My daughter is getting all the training she needs to become an indomitable defense lawyer. Who needs Harvard Law?
Now that we have settled the piercing issue, we have yet another magical age to determine — the one at which you can acquire your very own cell phone. And let's be honest, every child needs and deserves a cell phone for the following reasons:
r Having an annoying ring tone is a great tool that works to constantly provoke and incense those you love most.
r Talking to friends around the clock means you can put off doing homework, chores and bathing.
r Texting is a great way to improve your literary skills, and using emoticons is the best method to exercise your freedom of expression. ;)
r Taking pictures of strangers and sending them to people who could care less is time well spent and a marketable skill to emphasize when applying to top colleges.
r Watching "YouTube" videos could provide you with material for a screen play and have you on your way to becoming the next Martin Scorsese.
r Minutes, schminutes — who cares when your parents are paying the bill?
The aforementioned points are exactly the reason we have decided that the magical cell phone age should be 45. Our children disagree. So the debate will persist as to what a mutually agreeable age might be — and I use the word "mutually" very loosely.
This is not the end, not by a long shot. There are many more questions that my children are insisting they need answers to, like: When can I babysit? When can I ride my bike to the park alone? When can I date? Right now the answers are soon, not yet and never, respectively.
The reality is that there are no clearcut answers. There are no magical ages. There is no steadfast rule of thumb. There isn't even a precedent since times have changed so dramatically. I mean, we didn't even have cell phones or iPods or running water when we were kids. Being old enough to stay up for "Three's Company" was our rite of passage.
This is one debate that continues to baffle all parents. When is the right time? We use phrases like "when you are responsible enough," "when you prove you can handle it" and "when we think the time is right." But if you are anything like my husband and I, you really have no idea what you are talking about.
Of course these words mean nothing to a child, who is looking for a more definitive, tangible number. So, like us, you will ultimately come up with an arbitrary marker, based on absolutely nothing significant, like "you can have an iPod when you hit double digits," or "you can get a cell phone when you are in middle school and it is a leap year."
When all is said and done, they will ultimately get their iPods and cell phones and laptops. But it will be on our terms, on our schedule, on our say so. Unless of course they convince us otherwise, which is entirely likely.
